I have never considered myself a particularly career-driven person. My work has always been important but it has never been the most important thing in my life. Career building has always been secondary to me doing what I like, what I'm (hopefully) good at. I was about 14 when I started becoming interested in science and medical research. A good (scientist) friend of mine once told me that he worked in research not because he had a burning desire to cure diseases but because he had a very curious mind and always wanted to know and understand more. I've always been a bit more sentimental... and naive, perhaps. I had big dreams of finding some miracle cure, of making a difference...
In the name of these big dreams, when I was 17 I left the small Portuguese town where I had lived my whole life and moved to Scotland to start a science degree. These were difficult times because I was so young and it was such a major change. After all, I'd always lived in the same house/room my whole life and all of the sudden I was somewhere completely new, where nobody even spoke my language (and were these Glaswegians even speaking English?? I did wonder sometimes...). I felt extremely lonely and the fact that the weather was so miserable and wet all the time didn't help me feel any better. But I persevered because I knew that if I went back home I might not be lonely anymore but I wouldn't be happy. I would be stuck doing some boring general biology course and probably end up as a school teacher which I knew was not my calling. I might not have been career obsessed but I still wanted to have a job that I loved, to work on something I could really enjoy. During my degree at Glasgow University I became really interested in Immunology and the more I studied it, the more I realised how much was still unknown and that fascinated me. I had always enjoyed lab work and at this point, doing real research as part of my final degree project, I couldn't imagine myself doing any other job.
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| Early days with T in Glasgow |
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| Bachelor graduation |
I finished my Bachelor's degree and the natural progression, if you want to have a career in scientific research, is to do a PhD so I moved to London to start working on my thesis project. Again, it was a very difficult move because my boyfriend was still living in Scotland and I hardly knew anyone in London. In the end it was a case of 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and I earned my PhD (literally) at the cost of much blood (as you can see by the picture below), and also sweat and tears!!
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The wonderful stitches done by a plastic surgeon that repaired a tendon on my thumb after I accidentally sliced it through with a scalpel during my PhD...
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It felt at the time (and still does) like a tremendous achievement because I worked so hard, because it was so difficult and because I learnt a LOT! And not just about science but about people and sadly also about the politics of science and academia.
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| My PhD graduation. I wish I could go back in time (to the time when I was writing up my thesis) and tell myself that it was all going to be ok and that soon I would be taking pictures with a silly hat and the biggest smile... that I didn't need to worry and despair so much about it... |
After my PhD I started working as a Post-doc doing exactly what I wanted, combining Immunology and Cancer research. I've had lots of relatives who have suffered with cancer and to be involved in the search for better cancer treatments was something that really meant a lot to me. It was hard work but I enjoyed it. I remember saying during my interview at the time that I didn't go to work because I had to, it was because I really enjoyed what I did for a living. What I loved about it was the need to be creative, the challenge of designing and planning new experiments in an attempt to answer all these burning questions about why cancer is so hard to get rid of. I was also lucky to have worked with some really nice people, which only made the whole thing better.
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At work during my Post-Doc. I was in my element and I would be lying if I said I didn't miss those days.
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Then I got pregnant. No change of plans so far, I was expecting identical twin girls and the plan was to stay at home with them for about 8 months and then go back to work. But then life happened and my little girls were born at 23 weeks and 2 days... Work? What's that? I couldn't think of anything else but my babies and I was lucky enough to have a boss that was very supportive and completely understood that I needed to be there for my girls. We spent five months in hospital and in the end I came home, not happily pushing a double buggy as I had pictured in my daydreams. Instead I was only able to bring home one very bruised and scared little baby, lying alone in her single buggy because her sister now lived only in my heart. It took a long time for these wounds to heal (will they ever really heal?) and for life to acquire some kind of normality again.
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| With N after she came home. |
As N grew up during her first year of life she didn't develop like an ordinary child but I couldn't be sure if it was only because of what she had been through in hospital or if there was something fundamentally different about her. She was diagnosed with quadriplegic cerebral palsy at around her first birthday and at that point I decided I wasn't going back to work, not for a while anyway. This was not an easy decision. I may not have been typically career driven, but I enjoyed my work, I had worked very hard to get to where I was and I had my own dreams... Leader of a research group, perhaps? I had always thought that it would be great to be the driving force of a group of people working towards the same goal and to be more in control of the direction of my research. Well, those dreams would have to be put on hold. But I was still young, I thought, I could have a break and pick up from where I left at some point. At that point it was clear to me that I should be there for N. She had fought so hard to survive and she made such an effort to learn new things... She just needed (a lot of) help and attention and I was sure in my heart that I didn't want to have a career at the cost of her care. It was much more important to be able to look back one day, regardless of what N might or might not have achieved, and be able to say to myself truthfully that I did the best I could for her.
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| N when she was one. |
And here I am, 2 and half years on and I'm not planning to go back to work in a lab anytime soon. At the moment, my other little one (A) is the perfect excuse because she's only 4 months old but, to be honest, the truth is I don't see how I could ever make it work. I can hardly cope with all the things that I have to do as it is, how would I be able to do all this AND a job? Especially research, which isn't your typical 9 to 5 job. All I know is that I wouldn't want to be doing it halfheartedly. When I do something I try to commit to it and that takes time and dedication. I remember T asking me once, shortly after he moved to London with me and I was still doing my PhD: "Are you seeing someone else? Why are you always coming home so late from work?". No, I wasn't seeing someone else! That was just lab work and sometimes you become a slave to your experiments because if the cells need to be fed on a Sunday then it's got to be done... Am I making it sound like a terrible job? It's not so bad!
The reality of my life is that I have little N, who goes to school from 9-3pm and has a bunch of therapy and doctors appointments. Who would give me a job when I would have to take time off every week, sometimes more than once, to take her to her appointments? And it's not just the girls, it's T too. When would we get to spend time together? I really feel that, at least for me and at this moment, I'm a woman who just can't have it all... So I choose being a mum.
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| N & T- this is where I want to be right now so I'm going to make the most of this opportunity |
What will the future hold, I wonder? I don't want to be a housewife for the next 20 years and end up feeling like I've got nothing of my own when my daughters grow up and become independent. I'm going to have to find something that is my own personal project, something that I can do for myself but that will still work with my busy family schedule...
Watch this space ;)
