Happy Mother's day!! (in Portugal, anyway...)

Being a mother has become a defining characteristic of who I am. In fact, as many women surely experience, once you have a baby and especially if you become a full-time mum, you quickly go from being a person with your own name to being "someone's" mum. I love being a mother, don't get me wrong, but I've found that it's only too easy to completely obliterate yourself from your own life because this other little person consumes your every thought. Three years on I've gotten better at this but I still leave the house sometimes without so much as a glimpse in the mirror, wearing whatever.

I couldn't write about motherhood without mentioning my own mother. She's the most important woman in my life, definitely the most influential, for everything she is, everything she's been through. She's a real warrior, loving and kind, and very tolerant and forgiving. We are very close and I think our relationship played a big part in the fact that I've always felt I would like to be a mother some day. And I always thought that if I could be half the mother she is, and my kids loved me half as much as I love her then it would be just great.

Unfortunately, I haven't quite managed to shake off the self-doubt that came into my life as I became a mum. "Am I doing enough?" is not so much of a constant, nagging question in my mind anymore, but it creeps up now and then and self-doubt is a powerful thing when it comes to making you feel down. I wonder if this feeling is more intense because of N's cerebral palsy? How can you be less than an extraordinary mum when you've got such an extraordinary daughter? Maybe it's because in a way I refuse to accept that her condition can't improve, that she can't acquire new skills and I feel that it's my job (literally) to help her get there. I don't want to fall into the trap of living my life (and forcing her to live hers) with the sole purpose of being "cured", but it's important to try and keep moving forward. I think these feelings are common to every mum, but with a disabled child that needs so much help to learn new things the stakes are really set at another level.

But I guess the defining thing about motherhood for me is the joy that it brings. I could be having a pretty rough day but my heart swells up with happiness when my little girls smile at me. When I go pick up N at nursery I'll have A all snugged up in her sling in the most perfect hug, and then N comes out from class and she's got the biggest smile when she sees me, giggling with excitement (it still pales in comparison to her reaction to daddy coming to pick her up, but that's a different story and I'll take what I can get). And then I walk home, 'me and my girls' and I'm happy, all my problems shoved at the back of my mind somewhere, knowing that I mean the world to them, just as much as they mean the world to me.